Friday, May 16, 2014

A New Low

I've had some pretty low moments as a mom.  I've had my fair share of shameful shouting incidents.

I have officially hit a new low.

I never should have told Jay.  He thinks it's perfect "kid conversation" material.  But this!  no.  This is not a cute snippet to woo future would-be in-laws (while simultaneously embarrassing my kids).  This is one that will terrify them.  About their future mother-in-law.

Anyway, he said if I didn't write it, he would, and if I write it, I can at least keep it charitable.

I have confirmed to myself that I actually have a rather evil corner of my heart because even now, I'm inwardly cackling that I actually said this.  I ACTUALLY said this.

I spend too much time around children.

No no.  I won't put blame on them.  I said it.  ME. **cackling resumes**

It all started when I so innocently, on a completely normal day, in a completely normal way, needed to use the ladies' room.  Don't worry.  No TMI.

at least not yet...

So, as usual, I make my way away from the happily playing children to sneak off to the loo.

After about 1.43 seconds of walking away, there is an eruption of crying coming directly behind me.

Turn around.

The details escape me.  Nothing out of the ordinary happens.  Give it back.  Kindness.  Get off her.  No hitting... something like that.

All is calm.

Ah yes.  I forgot the announcement last time.  Perhaps it will help this time.

"I need to use the bathroom.  Can we all be kind while I'm gone?"


Turn around.

This time, I actually make it all the way to the bathroom, only to discover (TMI warning) someone (else!) didn't quite make it in time and there is poo smeared all over the toilet seat.

By this time, you can guess I really had to go.  Luckily, I've learned to keep clorox wipes within reach no matter what room one might find themselves in, (just about) and so naturally, I had some on hand for just such occasion.  I finally had it cleaned and wiped dry so as to sufficiently satisfy the needs of my clean little behind when their second volcanic eruption occurred.

This time I decided the only way to pee in peace was to separate the offender (which is almost always unclear) and so I grabbed both Peach and The Frog by the wrist and directed them upstairs to their rooms.

I admit, I may have said this next part a bit louder than I care to admit, "Now you can come out of your rooms after I have gone to the bathroom!!"

Did I mention they were both rather upset about this whole thing?  The Frog especially.  He defiantly rushed from his room and very clearly announced that,

"I'm COMING OUT of my room!!"

There may have been some stomping.

Then, with fire that I didn't know existed, I laser beamed him right in the eyes and said,

"If you do not stay in that room, I will POO in  YOUR.  ROOM."

Well there it is.

Needless to say, I finally got to relieve myself.  In a toilet.  (ew)  The look on his face told me I wasn't going to have to prove myself.

and now the cackles return.

what if I he didn't stay in his room?


Keegan said...

That. Is. Hilarious! When four-year-old Mario came out in the middle of the night and said he was scared months ago, I said, "Go back to bed or I will give you something to be scared of." Patrick was shocked. "Really? You said that?" It's crazy the things that come out of our mouths. Good thing The Frog didn't come out. :)

Lindsay said...

Hahahaha. You would have had to follow through or lost all respect! :)

A few other things...

1- I'm glad to hear you have low Mom moments (like the rest of us). You always keep these things to yourself and keep the rest of us wondering!

2- "I finally had it cleaned and wiped dry so as to sufficiently satisfy the needs of my clean little behind when the second volcanic eruption occurred."

I definitely took this sentence the wrong way and didn't realize you meant your kids until I'd read the next paragraph...had myself a good laugh! I'm glad what I imagined wasn't true! :)

MommaMcCarthy said...

oh man, lindsay! I so never thought of that when i wrote and read over my post. but now that you mention it... i might have to change it!! that is WAY TMI

Linda said...

Your candid post had me laughing my head off. Ahh . . . the joys of motherhood! :)

Linda said...

Your entry had me laughing my head off. Ahhh the joys of motherhood! :)