Monday, January 28, 2013

I Hate You

I don't know where the kids got this from... but lately they've been saying "I Hate You" sooooo much!  In their pretend play, to Jay & I when they don't get their way.  I would have never DREAMED of saying this to my parents.  It's just soo RUDE!  (I think...)  Should something be done?  Is it just a phase?  Should I be worried?

I've been trying to say back to them what I think they really mean:
kid: "I hate you, mom!"
me: "Don't you mean you are disappointed that we can't do that right now?"

Thoughts?  What do you do? What did your parents do?  What do you wish you or your parents did?


Amy said...

I wouldn't be worried. I would be curious, though, where they learned it. Of course, I've heard that phrase in some kids' shows. It adds drama.

However, I would work to eliminate it from their vocabulary because, as you say, it is very rude and in a way, diminishes the influence of the Holy Ghost in your home.

At our house, when any of my children say mean things to each other and I hear it, I stop them, point out that "specific thing that they said" was mean, rude, unkind, etc. I then remind them that in our home and family, we use nice/kind/loving words and if I hear "that specific thing" again, there will be "appropriate negative consequence that works for that child." Then I try to be consistent in my reinforcement. I also have them apologize to whomever they said the unkind words.

I try to say it in a normal, matter-of-fact tone to reinforce that this is how it is at our house. If I think they will understand, I will explain more in detail why it is mean, but at their age, I don't think they'd get the explanation.

I think your way of explaining what they mean instead is good. Then you could work with helping them say what is really going on instead of "I hate you," and then have them practice saying that, like "I'm disappointed," when that type of situation comes up again.

I'm also guessing at this age they really have no concept of the meaning of what they are saying. It probably just sounds cool. Still, I think that you can have standards for how you speak to one another in your home and they are never too young to learn what is appropriate.

Hope this makes sense. :)

Robby said...

How about just getting your jacket on and the car keys and leave the house. "Bye, not coming back."

... and then you might get a chance to explain what hate means "oh, you don't want _really_ me gone forever?"

Rachel Marie Gold said...

I think I would feel pretty hurt so I suppose I might say something like "wow, that really hurts my feelings to hear that you hate me"...maybe sometimes people don't understand that it is hurtful to the other person. Or maybe "how do you think you would feel if I said that to you?" I really like your response; that's great to incorporate. Maybe they are saying it because they are mad and disappointed and they don't know another way to express it...

I appreciate that you pose these questions for discussion - sometimes these situations arise with close young family members and it's instructive to hear what other people have to say.

Jess said...

I loathe that word and never really used it as a kid or an adult. We are luckily not in that phase, but I know it's coming. We've banned words from our house and limit other to certain locations (ie. potty words are use in the bathroom not describing people - gotta love preschool). I have a feeling, I'd explain to my J that hate is a very strong, mean word that hurts people's feelings. We don't hate people though we might dislike or disapprove of their actions. He is at a comprehension level where it might work. I wouldn't use the explanation after being shouted at, but rather, in a one-on-one discussion when I have his attention, like maybe when we're discussing "rules" (and consequences for breaking rules). I'd probably ban hate from the house as a rule. There are other ways to express displeasure. In short, setting limits on if and when certain words can be used has worked for us. I hope it would work in the future. Fingers crossed.